In this rare moment of quietness and introspection, I thought I would freestyle this and try to “get in touch” with how it is I’m feeling.
I’m not too sure how to describe how I feel…I kakao’d David this week and he asked me how I was doing, and I unloaded on him thoughts on my mind. One by one…One thing after another…this and that… And he just responded with “Sounds like you’re stressed.” I didn’t even think that I was. I pushed everything in my mind to the side–the ability to compartmentalize, it’s what you need to get through medical school–but as I’m studying, these thoughts that would whiz through my mind slowly, and collectively, when written out in a simple text made me realize just how…not at peace I am right now.
I ran into Jason Park at Starbucks this week and we ended up just talking for an hour catching up. It was really nice to talk to someone with similar perspective, similar beliefs. I told him how I want to do really well this year. I want to do well, partly to have my options open to any specialty that I would want, but mostly because I don’t want to do residency here. And I keep thinking that the answer to all that I feel is to escape. That when I leave it’ll be like a whole new life. But it’s not this place, it can’t ever just be one thing…is it just age?
I went to School of Medicine vespers last night and it was very beautiful. A total rebuke. A call to medical ministry, where ministry comes first and medicine, the perfect counterpart. The doctor told a story about how he was telling his story at Loma Linda and there was a student in the crowd that stayed behind to talk to him. “I came to Loma Linda not because I’m SDA, but because I wanted to come to the school where they teach medical evangelism. And now, after 4 years, all I want to do is get out, make as much money as I can and buy a big house, drive the nice car……and I hate myself for it.” And at that moment, all I could think of was, “That’s me.” I rarely look back at this medical decision that I’ve made because I don’t want to believe the things that everyone tells me–“Why are you doing medicine? You’re a female. You’re going to end up not practicing anyways. All you’ll have to show for it are your loans.”–are true. I came in here with so much vision, with so much drive, and for what? To have the MD after my name and the zero’s in the bank account but in times of introspection like this one to realize that in doing so, I’ve sacrificed the one love that I held onto to so deeply–medical ministry? To trade in that one love for a handful of simple, insatiable pleasures?
When I was in Cameroon, the most memorable experience I had was when I attended Catholic mass. Believe me when I tell you that I would buy that $1400 plane ticket again, if only to attend that mass one more time. I had never been to Catholic mass, but the reverence and sincerity they treat God, is unreal and so respectable. From the incense, to the ringing of the bells, to the trinity gesture…the service was packed full with reminders that God is near and that He is GOD. Near the end, I kneeled to prayer, and when I opened my eyes, the sunrise was shining through the stained glass windows onto the stage. It brought tears to my eyes. Then the choir with their voices started singing. It was the most powerful spiritual experience that I had ever had–true spirituality in its rawest form. I truly felt the joy of salvation in that moment, and I had never felt such joy in my heart. Joy that tells you that God has saved me, and that there is no other love like this one. What else could I do but just close my eyes, sit still, entranced by the fact that all this is mine?
This year, from here on out, I need to more fervently pray, with all of my heart I need to commit myself, or else I’m going to go crazy. I can slowly feel the stresses of various things gnawing at me, but in that moment each and every morning, I need to reconnect with my purpose, and then recommit my life to what it is that is most important in the world–Him. I can have faith that at the end of the day all these stresses will find its perfect place in God’s plan if I place all eyes on Him, and simply take the steps necessary each and every day. In this place, where I don’t feel like myself, where I get intimidated, where I get nervous all the time, may I remind myself to look up and know that I’m here for a reason.
With this conviction and conclusion, I’ll leave it at that. Besides, it’s 6:30, which means that it’s sundown soon…oops…I totally said I would go to sundown worship at 6…..anywho, until next time, my readers ❤