To be honest, I don’t even know how to start this post so let’s just get into it because I’m in dire need of some written word therapy.
So, I wrote this rant where I just listed everything that I was feeling awful about. Not to disclose too much, but I’ve been dealing with guilt lately. Oh gosh, it is just a little (insert non-PG language here)……yeah. Why is this Christian life so hard? Like, seriously. The Bible says that we need to be this way and that way, but when you’re constrained by rules and commandments, when you don’t follow them, it’s like “BAM….SINNER!” And I think that the closer that you want to be to God, the more that you feel this. I say this because all of this stuff hit me like a tsunami after I wrote that last post (forgot what it was called). I feel bad for so many things. Like, I’ll be talking to people, and I’ll say something, do something, or NOT do something, and it’s just this guilt that creeps over me and a little voice that says, “Here you go again. You should have known better. What happened to the ‘change’ that you were so convicted of?” It feels awful, awful enough to not want to talk to anyone about anything ever again.
And I know that it shouldn’t be about me. It’s a selfish thing to do: just looking at your own shortcomings and not look at the cross and Jesus who took it all away. But you know what, it doesn’t feel selfish. It feels like this is what I have to do to atone for the things that I did, and the guilt is my secret punishment.
Not only this, but just so much stuff to think about. Stress……When I’m not feeling so overwhelmed perhaps I will unload here. I’ve been trying to put my thoughts and vomit on this page, but it’s not pretty vomit and that’s stressing me out even more.
Until then, I hope your life is less stressful than mine at the moment, readers. ❤