Don’t you think it’s a bit scary how scary life moves so fast?
I recently stumbled across my first and last sermon ever given at LSF. The whole time, my heart was beating so fast and hard because I was so nervous just watching it. Dang…note to self: Print out notes next time.
Yet, an unforseen blessing was that my past words really resonated with me now. And as I’m sitting in bed, writing this, I am wondering, “Who is Jesus to me?” The thesis of my sermon was that Jesus is not always going to be the knight in shining armor, but is sometimes the guy in the trenches with you. And as I reflect on this, who would I remember and be most thankful towards–the person that solved my problems straight off the bat, or the one that stuck with me through it all.
At this point in life, there is not a reason to ask for no pain or sorrows in life. Because let’s be totally honest, what’s life without some trip-ups? And if we’re being completely honest, it makes life more interesting, and dare I say, fun?
I guess I’m thinking about this because I’m really nervous for my academics this year. I know that I haven’t really talked about such things since my undergraduate years, but yeah… Today was the worst. I had my first test today and the anxiety and stress that I felt yesterday and today…incomparable to any that I have ever felt. As I was thinking more about this, I asked myself why I was worried. I guess it’s because I would feel really embarrassed, not that not graduating in 4 years is a bad thing, but I sometimes feel like people see my medical school acceptance as a fluke and as something that I didn’t deserve. And I mean, they are completely right, but to think that I couldn’t prove them wrong hurts my pride. But in the end, what is that to me? I mean, in the end, God is the one that brought me here, there must be a reason. And if He is leading me in this way, He’s going to take care of it all, I just need to do my best.
I guess an assurance is that as I am clocking more hours into this thing called medical school, I realize more and more that I’ve been called to this and that I could not imagine any greater profession than being a doctor. Medical school has made me into a better person–it has helped me develop study habits, organization, it has improved my self-esteem, and maybe this last one is because I’m just getting older, but I’m more comfortable in my skin.
It’s actually really crazy though because usually during test week, I’ll get like maybe 2-3 text messages encouraging me about my tests, but this time around I got like 6! It was rally weird how people knew…But yeah…I even texted my favorite person in the whole world, David (don’t tell him! He will hate me ><), to pray for me and his words legit brought tears to my eyes. So weird because it was so simple too…I’ve been meaning to write a post about David, although he probably would hate it. But then again….he would never know…yeah, people don’t toot his horn enough…
Anyways, not much of a really meaningful post, but I guess as time goes on and on, I’m realizing Ecclesiates to be true, how everything is vain and all for nothing. Funny how when I first heard that I was legit personally offended by that. But yeah…and what is most true about that book is how it says that everything is for nothing, but the only thing worth something is holding onto God. As you get older I guess you learn to just be still with God and allow Him to lead the way. So different from before where I would clutch the reins of my life so tightly. What more can you do but just follow–it’s what ultimately gives meaning, unconditional love, and the feeling that you’re not wasting time. I keep coming back to that over and over again as I’m here at Loma Linda…that He is really just everything. Interesting really how that works. Coming to Loma Linda, I see how real God is to me and how I’ve been touched by Christ to a point where I always come back’ there is nothing that compares to Him really. I’ve been so blessed. I feel like I’ve been blessed to an offensive amount. And yet, my faith is still like that of a child’s. Baby steps, Esther. Everything is going to be okay, it always is.