I’ve become very bad with introspection. While in Cambodia, I did it every single day, but after not doing it for a while, I’m more uncomfortable with the silence and I run out of things to say to myself.
I’ve been in a funk these days. Not those depressed, sad, lonely kind of funks, but just…I guess I just don’t know where life is headed right now. My daily activities simply consist of studying, along with those core daily practices needed to survive. Is this it then? I just feel like jellyfish, just being carried by my daily duties. And don’t get me wrong, I think that being busy is one of life’s most underrated gifts, but when life becomes cyclical and that’s all it is, it makes you question of there will be any end to it.
I went on my old tumblr and read through my very first blog posts. It’s so crazy how I wrote that when I was a freshman. I read my words and I think how brave I was to share my deep longing for Christ with the world. I think if I could be as open and honest with people now…I don’t know, probably not. And this isn’t consciously, I think that the boundaries of openness and vulnerability that I’m willing to go just don’t reach as far as they once did. Which, I think, is normal as you get older.
As I read my worries about school, I smile about it now. Remembering how school was everything to me back then, I wish I could have told myself back then that everything would be okay. And that I’m here, in Loma Linda Medical School. But more importantly, I wish I could tell myself that Christianity, a relationship with Christ, it’s a slippery road. It’s so easy to let go, but it takes a great deal of effort to keep moving forward. Yet, those times when things get hard and you let go, it’s regrettable.
I’ve been reflecting on my spiritual life a lot these past couple of days. And one word keeps coming up–accessory. My relationship with God has simply become an accessory that beautifies my life, when instead, it should be it entirely, it should be the center. I look at my spiritual walk, and to be completely honest, it’s been this Christian-not Christian-Christian pattern time and time again. I think if I have ever truly committed myself to God and not let go when things got comfortable, or I realized that I could do things on my own. I see this trajectory and I don’t want this to be it. I don’t want my life to just be comprised of these high, pie-in-the-sky moments where I’m just elated and feel so blessed to be a Christian. They simply just get me by: I am able to share God’s impact in my life and able to share sermons and I know my Bible well enough to give Sabbath School. But to live a life that is totally immersed in Him, to have Christ oozing out of me in every interaction and every word that I speak, in times of loneliness and misunderstanding, to be alone with God and that solve my problems instead of filling that part of me with social interactions or TV shows, that’s what I want.
I don’t want to do this hot-lukewarm thing anymore. It’s really tiring, and as I’m writing and thinking about all of this, I know that the answer is that I need to retire into the arms of Christ. Rest…true rest….peace…comfort…life is so tiring, so stressful, jam-packed with hurt, and yet, Jesus, the ruler of everything asks us to come to Him. Isn’t that just crazy? It is such a outrageous thing to ask of us. And the fact that people believe Him and do it, that’s even crazier. I guess that makes me a lunatic, for hoping and investing in it
. Knowing, and experiencing how God has been faithful and healing, I can take this next step in my life–being consistent. Here’s to 2014. Hopefully, I can look back on this a year from now and see how God was working, so poignantly in my life at this very moment. Maybe…Hopefully.